In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
mom had nothing to worry about
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.