and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Snapes on a plane.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong