[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN