So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.