I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not