Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
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If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away