Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get