I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Me irl
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester