I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
🤔😂😂
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified