You can’t rush stupid.
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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.