I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..