I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me too 😆
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.