There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.