Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.