*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
don’t we all
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.