Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You Might Also Like
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
If a snake ate a cake
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”