Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
You Might Also Like
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂