God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Cannot stop laughing at this
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long