I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
crochet youtube is brutal
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night