i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
This is the one
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”