Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled