If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*mops up wine with cat*
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”