[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.