Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
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Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.