*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
They got Raph!
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
the Monday after daylight savings
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news