The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
A sick whale is called an unwhale
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel