Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?