“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.