If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Who called it baking and not making love
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.