wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You Might Also Like
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
technically true but not a great slogan
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul