The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
That’s it.I’m out.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]