“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
This story is comedy gold 😂
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?