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Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”