How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
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I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.