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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn鈥檛 even know it.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie鈥檚 head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where鈥檇 it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I鈥檓 about to crack a cold case.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
ME: I鈥檒l take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 馃檭
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.