DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.