the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
britain’s three elite institutions
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting