LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA