friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
lmfao come on
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!