In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
How high do the levels go?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)