“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.