The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do