Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I’m confused about plants
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
drew a comic about my origin story
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
adam and eve had first world problems
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager