1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
oh my god