Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.