Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*