My flabber has been gasted.
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it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it