hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
You Might Also Like
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Dead sexy!!
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Ferrari squats
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.