Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline