someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does